HUMOR - CATS GUIDE TO CARING FOR YOUR HUMAN

*Cat's guide to caring for your human.*

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

HUMOR: WEATHER FORCASTER

Weather Forecaster

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT

HUMOR - POSSESSED COMPUTER!

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

HUMOR - FOOD SPOILAGE TEST FOR BACHELORS

THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three- block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT: It never spoils.

LETTUCE: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

HUMOR- STUDENT DRIVER

As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.


One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"